Orphan Rises Against Showering
by tinyturtlenerd
Summary: Summary: May's going through her teenage rebellion phase, Brendan's the boy next door who totally has the hots for her, Maxie and Archie are definitely the perfect spade ship, Steven is the ultimate senpai who's gay for Wallace, Wally becomes a mega ultra macho manly man, and somewhere in between, the world is ending. Pokemon ORAS Abridged. Yes, it's exactly what you think it is.


**Orphan Rises Against Showering**

**DISCLAIMER: I _clearly_ don't own Pokemon because if I did, the following would occur. Shield your eyes kiddies, there's some language. And boobs. Many boobs. Just kidding, we only have nerds here. Sorry to disappoint your dicks.

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><p><strong>Chapter 1: ALL THE BALLS ARE MINE, <strong>_**MINE**_** I SAY**

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><p>"MOOOOOM, why the eff would you <em>shove<em> me in the back of a _moving_ truck?!"

"Because you refused to wear seatbelts. Or sit in a chair. Like a normal person."

"...Oh right. ...tHAT'S CHILD NEGLECT, YOU'RE THE WORST MOM EVEEEERRRRR!"

"Yeah, I know. Now jump out already, Worst Mom Ever needs to take some NyQuil."

"Are you gonna catch me?"

"Does your father know when's our anniversary?"

"..."

"Then no."

Indignantly, May furrowed her brows and puffed out her cheeks as she clenched her hands into fists. Well damn, her mother must be feeling _extra_ bitchy today. Couldn't she at **least** _pretend_ to care about her only living, breathing daughter?

"Is it because I'm fat? I'm too heavy to catch?"

"Yep, you're so fat, you make a Hariyama look like a nugget."

"Gee Mom, thanks, that really hurts my feelings."

"You have feelings?"

Apparently not.

Grumbling, the shorter brunette managed to leap down from the truck to solid ground without breaking anything. Which was saying something since 99.9% of the time, she _always_, alwaysalwaysalways **broke** _something_. Truth be told, she was sort of a jinx, like not even kidding. No, she wasn't talking about being the blonde purple-skinned, big-lipped busty pokemon. (That would be a total nightmare, dear Arceus). She was talking about screwing up _so_ much, her entire family would have to move to a _completely_ different region and start their lives over from scratch. ...Kind of like what they did just now.

Let's just say she made it to Johto's 'Most Wanted' list. And she looooves to see things set on fire. Practically a pyro at heart.

May's awful maternal figure gave her a round of sarcastic applause. "Good job, we won't have to take you to the hospital for the hundred-millionth time this month."

The daughter crossed her arms and huffed. "That is _so_ **not** true. It would be the hundred-millionth-_second_ time this month!"

"Oooh, ex_cuuuse_ me, Einstein."

"MY NAME'S NOT EINSTEIN, IT'S _MAY!_"

"Calm your tits Mayonnaise, don't wanna get grey hair when you're just...what? 5? 8 years old?"

"I'm _12_, thank you very much!"

"Ahh, yeah. 12 years of my life I'll never get back…" Her mother deeply sighed and shook her head before turning to walk away towards their new home. "Should have gone to school to become a lawyer. Nope, Caroline just _had_ to get into Norman's pants. He was hotter back then too."

"Uhhh, hello? Mom?" May waved at her. "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Caroline stopped in her tracks and looked over her shoulder. Blinked twice. Three times.

"...You're right, I did. C'mere baby." She approached May with arms opened wide. Holy crap, was her mom **finally** going to give her a _hug?_ For the first time _ever?!_

Lolnope. Instead, the damn hag veered left and embraced a pack of beer sitting on the edge of the truck's interior.

"Who's a good boy? _Who's_ a good boy? You are! _You_ aaaare!" she cooed to it while she stroked it lovingly, _way_ more lovingly than she does to her own flesh and blood standing just a couple of feet away, and returned to heading inside the house. Offended, May watched her leave in disgust.

"I thought you said you were gonna take some NyQuil?!" she shouted.

"This _is_ my NyQuil. Don't question my choices, Macaroni salad. Why don't you go play with your dollies or go on an extremely dangerous journey through Hoenn all by yourself with zero adult supervision?" Caroline snorted. She didn't even wait for the child's answer, already slamming the front door behind her.

"MAYBE I WILL!" May declared in a fiery, determined tone. "I'LL PLAY WITH MY DOLLIES _AND_ GO ON AN EXTREMELY DANGEROUS JOURNEY THROUGH HOENN ALL BY MYSELF WITH ZERO ADULT SUPERVISION! YOU'LL SEE! YOU'LL AAAALL SEE! BWAHAHAHA!"

"Who is she talking to…?" a random passerby whispered to another passerby.

They shrugged. "Beats me. Main characters are such drama queens."

And so, after the whole unnecessarily dramatic declaration scene, the female pre-teen decided it was about time she did something that was absolutely important to the plot of this story. Which was barge into other people's homes; a favorite hobby of hers really.

Seriously, _no one_ ever locked their doors. You could just come and go as you please. It was honestly a wonder why the crime rate wasn't immensely high. She could probably steal a baby if she wanted to. …

...Not that. She ever had the urge to do so. Or anything. ...

...Awkward coughing.

Let's just skip to the part where she bursted through the entrance of the only other house in Littleroot Town.

"Outta the way lady! I'm gonna do some illegal snooping of your property!" May carelessly sprinted past the startled woman standing inside. Said woman helplessly watched the girl charge upstairs.

"O-Oh, okay...p-please don't take our money again…or eat our leftover Chinese food..."

Upstairs, the young brunette nearly smacked into someone, specifically a male who looked-

"OOOOOOOLD!" she exclaimed, wide-eyed and pointing an accusing finger in his face. He responded with a baffled look.

"Wh- pardon?"

"YOU'RE _OOOOOOOOOOOOLD!_"

"Huh?! No I'm not!"

"Yes you are!"

"_NO_, I'M NOT!"

"Then why do you have white hair, grandpa?!"

"What? White- th-this is my _hat_, idiot!" he snapped, tugging off his ivory cap and shaking it around in front of her for emphasis. Cue owlish blinking.

"...NUH-UH, IT'S YOUR WEEEEAVE!"

"Oh. My god-"

"Wow I didn't know guys wear weaves too-"

"IT'S NOT A DAMN WEAVE MORON- aGHH, look, I don't have time for this!" The boy heaved an exasperated sigh. "I gotta be somewhere and- why are you even in _my room?! _Don't you know it's impolite to just oh I dunno, barge into places uninvited and practically trespass and then scream at people for being-"

"Woahhhh so this is what a guy's room looks like?" She strolled further into his bedroom and scanned the area in awe. He facepalmed, a groan of irritation slipping from his lips.

"Aaaand you're not even listening."

"Where are the sinks?"

"…what."

"The tall sinks! You know— the ones they usually have on the wall? All lined up in a neat row?"

"…Are you talking about '_urinals_'?!"

"Maybe. I dunno what the eff they're called."

Another huge facepalm. "They're not _sinks_, they're _toilets_."

"…WHAAAAT?!" May gasped in horror. "Shut up, you're lying!"

"Why would I be _lying_ about this?! I'm a _dude!_ I _know_ what they are!"

"How does that even work?! I mean—don't you need to sit down to do it?!"

"Girl parts and boy parts are _very_ different! Don't they teach you that in school?!"

"No! The educational systems I've always attended were strictly teaching us the basics of pokemon and what to do when we encounter pokemon! They never taught us any life skills or the anatomy of both genders!"

…

Uneasy silence engulfed the two kids until the boy finally broke it.

"…That's…really sad actually. …Wait— does this mean you've _seen_ urinals before? How's that even possible?"

"Weeeell, long story short— when I was much younger, I needed to use the restroom, but my dad couldn't come with me into the ladies' one since you know, he's a guy. And then my mom was drunk off her ass like, she kept humping this one fire hydrant for some reason—"

"Toooo much information."

"You _asked_."

"And I regret it."

"H-HELP ME!"

Both child protagonists became alarmed by the loud cry for help and they immediately exchanged confused looks.

"I-I think my dad's in trouble! C'mon, let's head outside!" The guy took the lead, hurriedly dashing downstairs with May following not too far behind. Kind of weird that they could hear the desperate shriek from an upstairs bedroom miles away from the actual location of the voice's source, but ehh. Whatever to get the plot moving along she guessed.

Once they found where all the commotion was happening, the adolescents screeched their heels to a stop and stared in astonishment. A wild Poochyena appeared to be chasing a pudgy brown-haired, bearded man wearing a white lab coat. It barked and snarled at him viciously while he himself whimpered and wailed pathetically. The two ran in circles through the tall grass over and over and over again.

"B-Brendan!" the man at last lit up in grateful joy and nervously laughed. "Thank heavens you're here! Oh, and you brought along Norman's daughter as well! How convenient!"

"HUH?!" Brendan flinched back, his astonishment boosting. "Hold on— _she's_ our new neighbor?!"

She flashed him a peace sign and a smirk as he quickly looked her up and down. "Suuuup."

He gawked. "Oh you gotta be _kidding_ me!"

"It's no joke! Now kindly help your old man out by gRABBING ANY POKEBALL IN MY BAG OVER THERE PLEASE I DON'T WANNA DIIIE!"

"Pshhh oh don't be such a diva, you can't _die_ in Pokemon. You can only faint." May dismissively flapped her hand at the professor. "My Mom told me that and she's _always_ right. …Then again, no she's not. She told me she loved me, yet she can't remember when's my birthday. She can memorize dozens of alcoholic brand names though."

"How does any of that help my father right now?! Hang on Dad, I'll save you!"

Brendan dropped to his knees and hastily rummaged through the fallen bag on the ground. As soon as the pokeballs rolled out and glinted in the light, May's eyes glittered like a pair of crystals.

"BAAALLS! SO SHINY! DO WANT!"

"What the— hEY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! COME BACK HERE!"

The female pre-teen literally snatched every single one of the pokemon from right under his nose, then ran away yelling, "ALL THE BALLS ARE MINE, _MINE_ I SAY! AHAHAHAHA!"

Father, son, and wild Poochyena gaped in utter disbelief.

…

…

…

"…Girls are so damn weird." Brendan deadpanned.

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><p>And that's the end of Chapter 1! Like it? Love it? Hate it? Please feel free to review! Thanks for reading! 8P Not really sure when I'll post the next one, but mehh. We'll see.<p> 


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